THE MONOGAMY FETISH |
| There's still a
common tendency to define people principally by their sexuality, and to
pronounce on how much they deviate from the prescribed ideal (Can you guess
what that is yet? Ooh, it wouldn't be heterosexual monogamy by any chance?)
by way of making a moral judgement about them. Thus less is more: the fewer people you have sex with, the greater your virtue. Apply a spot of logic to this programme for even a minute and its flaws become apparent. A with one lifelong sexual partner, plus a criminal record for fraud and a tendency to solve disputes with a punch in the face somehow doesn't quite stand up as a better citizen than B the bisexual swinger who works in a hospice and fundraises for charity. It¹s agreed by enough people that the worst sexual crime is to force another person to service you sexually against their wishes - no one would claim virtue in rape except for, well, rapists - and among the majority of perverts, safe-sane-and-consensual is the mantra, with Consensual the greatest of the three. Many people, discovering the fetish or BDSM social scene for the first time, rave about the atmosphere of tolerance, broadmindedness and healthy acceptance of sexual diversity they find there, and there has always been an element of political and ethical bravery on the scene. It has tended to come from the realisation that one is not, after all, a pariah for wanting to whip or be whipped, obey or be obeyed, and that many of those others' so reviled by the tabloids are not monsters at all, merely people with priorities that do not necessarily include home improvements, television programmes or winning the Lottery. A delight in human variety should swiftly follow such a revelation; an understanding that our bodies and our sexual choices are up to us, and whether we are good or bad is not a question of who with or how many, but a matter of being courteous, kind and never deliberately careless of our playmates' physical or mental wellbeing. Unfortunately, a modern trend on the scene as it grows ever larger is for people to bring in the tired old judgmental mindsets of the wider world and do their best to inflict them on others. This trait is heavily influenced by the monogamy-obsessed mainstream culture, which is in turn based on that enemy of human progress, religion. It seems particularly sad and frustrating that a percentage of kinksters see themselves as sexual radicals because of a few accessories or unusual positions, yet never question the suggestion that everyone needs an other half and that anyone who shows no desire to conform to this model is to be regarded with suspicion or contempt. One of the most revolutionary aspects of fetish or kinky sex has always been the scene's ability to challenge monogamy-fascism by requiring self-acknowledged perves to confront the concepts of fidelity, loyalty, honesty and respect head on. If you have a beloved partner who is nauseated by or simply uninterested in your particular trigger, be it caning or cross-dressing, then you need to think about it in a new way. Which is the worst: to deny yourself your sexual pleasure, persuade your reluctant partner to engage in behaviour he or she finds distasteful or even just dull.. or to go and play your game with another person who shares your predilection but doesn't want to move in with you? It's also true that some elaborate fantasies and sensations are not possible to do at home, or without an extra pair of hands (or genitals) or an extra level of expertise. Unless your mind is resolutely closed, you are likely to find yourself adapting to occasional sexual or sensual encounters that are not entirely binary. You will work out your own comfort zone and develop more respect for the different levels of dependency, reserve, adventurousness and lechery of the people around you. This is not, of course, a commandment that everyone engage in SM activity or sex or even kissing with anyone who asks, nor is it true that having lots of sexmates or partners confers on you the moral superiority that the monogamy-maniacs wish to confer on themselves. If, having thought it over, you have come to the conclusion that only a monogamous relationship will make you happy, then fine. You have a monogamy fetish. You will find there are plenty of other people out there who do share your fetish and will happily engage in it with you. However, do not assume that everyone you meet is as into it as you are, and do not try to manipulate other people into accommodating this fetish of yours when it doesn't appeal to them. |