| It’s
four am and the fetish/swinger party in this tolerance-zone Midlands massage
parlour is starting to wind down. Consoling myself for a lack of action
with the reminder that I’m getting paid to review the club, I fall
into conversation with the promoter, a glamorously dissipated type with
tattoos, who I’d marked as off-limits once he’d introduced
me to his wife. Er, wrong, as rapidly becomes clear. Johnny, as I’ll
call him, soon begins to lament a particular lack in his life: the unavailability
of really-bi women to
play with him and his wife Susie together. His wife is bisexual and he
likes to watch her with another girl and join in, yet they have found
that the women they meet either want only to engage in girl-girl fun or
see it as a competition to win his attention and exclude her. I’m
baffled, and say so. Making up the third in a three-way game has long
been a favourite diversion of mine, and the whole point of the fun is
the combining and recombining opportunities on offer. Now, whether Johnny
and Susie had been singularly unfortunate in the past, or whether Johnny
had an interesting new line in chat-up techniques is pretty much irrelevant,
especially in the light of the fun couple of hours that follow this conversation,
comprising turn after turn of piggy-in-the-middle and other diversions,
but this is one snapshot of the threesome experience, the Thrill of the
Three. That heterosexual men love threesomes-with-another girl is widely
accepted; there’s even a category of “lesbian” porn
aimed at men that feeds this fantasy. It’s the stuff with the two
gorgeous girlies engaging in a spot of lipstick licking with text alongside
advertising their eagerness for a man to show up and join in. There’s
the old joke about a man not minding his wife’s infidelity with
another woman “as long as I can
watch.” However, almost any reader of erotic materials knows that
the two-men-one-woman scenario is almost as popular, particularly in the
area the fans of readers’ letters know as “wife-watching”
where the husband’s humiliation at the hands of his wife’s
sexier, younger and better-endowed lover is a key component of his satisfaction.
This is not, of course, the only version of that particular triad: not
too long ago a friendly evening round a male friend’s flat was enlivened
by a male visitor who had brought round clippers to cut my friend’s
hair. Hair on both men trimmed, the clippers got deployed on pubes and,
after a couple of drinks someone actually said “Let’s just
get buck-naked and fuck,” and we did. Humiliation and comparison
were entirely absent from
that scenario which was affectionate and playful on all counts. The threesome
is both desired by many - it recently topped a list of male sexual fantasies
and came high on the equivalent list for female ones - and despised, mostly
by those who still cling to the concept of absolute monogamy as defining
moral superiority. Others, too, seem resistant to the idea, a long internet
essay on the subject of polyamory suddenly blew its author’s credentials
by stating unambiguously and wrongly that “threesomes and other
mass orgies are a male hetero fantasy [and don’t happen in proper
polyamory]”. One reason couples may seek the addition of a third
person rather than another couple or a group-grope-anything-goes is that,
once you decide to move outside the monogamous model, doing it one step
(or person) at a time makes it less threatening. It does complicate matters
less than a couple joining another couple, simply because it’s easier
to find a third party that both halves of the couple desire than to pair
up with two new people: a common sticking point in swapping scenarios
is that Wife A fancies Husband B just fine but Husband A doesn’t
take to Wife B - or takes exception on some grounds to Husband B. One
of the most popular threesome scenarios is, of course, the addition of
an extra female which may again have something to do with another woman
being perceived as “safer”; though with the dwindling of the
type of male homophobia that used to lead to hysterical flurries of “sorry,
sorry, sorry, I’m straight, me” every time a male hand brushed
another male buttock or shoulder in a group scenario, more couples seem
to be inclined for the male partner to explore his bisexuality as much
as the female bi-curious or bi woman celebrates hers in a three-way thing.
Indeed, as women get increasingly assertive and active with regards to
their sexuality, the concept of an extra male being able to
supply an extra ration of cock while the first male recovers is being
discussed and desired: let alone the not infrequent female wish to be
“full of cock at both ends” as my lusty gal pal Roxie once
put it. The physical possibilities offered by the addition of another
person to the usual one-on-one sexual model increase to a delicious extent:
two mouths, two pairs of hands, an additional cock or pussy to play with
make a substantial difference. If oral stimulation is your thing, imagine
how thrilling it feels to have lips and tongue working simultaneously
on groin and nipple, or the opportunity to suck and fuck at the same time
without elaborate contortions. Sometimes the motivations of one or more
parties are more complex: someone who wishes to remain anonymous spoke
of “never loving [my partner] so much as when I watch them fucking
someone else. It’s as though I can let them be free and give them
this chance to have extra pleasure but it makes them all the more mine.”
As the old greeting card homily used to have it. if you love something,
set it free, if it comes back it is yours forever. Though admittedly one
used to see that written on toilet doors with the less-generous addition
“if it doesn’t, hunt it down and kill it.”... Simple
voyeurism is an attraction for some, as well; arousal mounting at the
sights and sounds of sexual activity, whether the impulse is to watch
and masturbate or to wait eagerly for the
invitation to join in. In a somewhat different category is the range of
three-ply options found on the fetish or BDSM scene, where the SM orientations
of submissive, dominant or switch (alternating between the two) among
the participants can lead to a variety of needs or desires that a couple-relationship
cannot entirely fulfill. Katie and Martin, who met at a fetish club and
were powerfully drawn to one another, found the small difficulty of them
both being sexually dominant could be solved by having frequent non-SM
sex with each other and teaming up to provide a domination overload to
a single lucky submissive on regular occasions. “We did talk about
it a bit at the beginning,” says Katie. “But neither of us
wanted to give in and submit to the other, neither of us likes being the
sub. Yeah, we love just fucking, but neither of us can totally shut off
our pervy sides and do without a bit of bondage and beating. So we just
turned ourselves into this double act in the clubs and at play parties.
We’ve thought about getting one regular slave to hang out with us
all the time, but so far no-one’s been quite the right person.”
People on the fetish scene are usually keen to explore all aspects of
sexuality, so the option of adding another party to provide something
that the pair-bond does not supply is less likely to have them shrieking
for marriage guidance. Many matched couples (one dominant with one submissive)
enjoy inviting another dominant party to assist with tying-up or flogging
or otherwise erotically tormenting the submissive partner: a submissive
girl discussing threesomes on the internet observed gleefully that “it
gives the
sub a feeling that they are under even more control to have more than
one person there,” and added “I’ve never had anything
bad to say about threesomes.” The dominant-with-two-submissives
model also occurs, whether it’s a couple with M tendencies enjoying
the experience of sharing what a good S can do or two slaves competing
amicably for the attentions of a master or mistress. Another scenario
that sometimes occurs is when a couple are relatively inexperienced, either
in fetish play as a whole or in one particular erotic technique, and thus
wish to invite an expert to give them a practical, hands-on demonstration.
The matter of bi-curiosity is also a factor in some fetish relationships,
with some who like to explore the boundaries of gender doing so within
a threesome situation: while some transvestites and transgendered people
are interested in passing off convincingly as a
member of the sex they weren’t born into, others celebrate their
differences and revel in the transgressive opportunities available. As
TV Nina said, “This bloke wanted his mistress to humiliate him in
front of a transvestite, so I stood there all dressed up while she did
things to him, then we both tied him up and I fucked her, still in my
French Maid outfit. It was great fun.”
Of course, as with any kind of sexual encounter or relationship, there
are possible pitfalls ahead, but common sense and common courtesy should
be all you need to avoid most of them. If you are paired-up and seeking
an additional single to play with, your first
job is to talk the whole idea over with your partner and ensure that he
or she is just as keen as you are: some people love discussing and sharing
their fantasies but feel a marked reluctance to put them into practice.
If your partner is really averse to
breaking the magic couple circle, then you will need to consider abandoning
either your desire for a threesome - or your partner. The hapless Internet
poster who enquired of a swingers’ discussion group about the best
way to ‘get my girl to take part in a
threesome - should I just get her drunk or stoned when her best mate is
there?’ was just about flamed off the net, and quite rightly. That
small and mercifully-shrinking percentage of men who still think of sex
as something that they can ‘make’ or ‘get’ their
female
partners to co-operate in don’t deserve to have sex with anyone,
and one can only hope that, should they achieve the threesome of their
fervent wishes, their wives or girlfriends immediately abscond with the
other partner. It is also important to discuss the bisexuality-gender
thing before you place that contact ad or whisper enticingly into the
ear of a friend one balmy night. If one of you is a little uncomfortable
about pushing the buttons of your own sexual orientation, then you need
to have that clear in your head and that of your partner before you start.
As stated earlier, the male homophobia that used to blight the swing scene
appears to be diminishing and couples who place adverts for a single male
to join them often state that the male half is bisexual or bi-curious
and offer the expectation that there will be some sexual play between
the males. Of course, a two-man-one-woman threesome does not have to involve
boy-boy fun, any more than a lady-lady-gent scene invariably requires
a little light lesbian action, but it works much better if everybody knows
what is and isn’t on the menu before the party starts. Couples must
never forget that whoever they bring into their boudoir, be it for one
night, once a week or in the hope of something longstanding developing,
that
person is a human being with feelings, desires and opinions, not a living
sex toy whose status is subordinate to the couple’s bond with each
other. The single actively seeking couples to play with also needs to
be comfortable with his or her own motivations. It’s not a competition
with winners and losers, and claiming to want a threesome when your actual
desire is to take one partner off the other is outright wrong. Even in
the most light-hearted and playful sessions, though, remember that you
merit respect and kindness from the other participants: singledom certainly
doesn’t mean second-class status in this world and single girls,
especially, often find themselves thoroughly in demand. Having thought
through the implications and given yourselves the green
light, you then need to decide on the who, how, where and when of your
anticipated threesome. To read the letters sections in a lot of top shelf
mags, the usual way for a threesome to occur is semi-spontaneously: the
neighbour who pops round for a cup of sugar, the two friends who comfort
each other until the partner of one catches them at it and joins in with
a will... a nice theory that was often aired in the days of fighting the
anti-porn campaigners is that porn actually doesn’t influence behaviour
enough. In Porno-world, a man catching his partner in bed with another
simply strips off and joins in, or has a good wank; in the ‘real’
world, non-consensual violence is what tends to ensue. However, when it
comes to inviting friends and/or work colleagues to join you in the bedroom,
caution is advised. Your chosen playmate might be absolutely horrified
and run round telling the world that you and your beloved are “sickos”.
He or she may play along happily enough, or out of a wish not to hurt
anyone’s feelings, and later have tremendous regrets and, hard to
believe though it is that sex can ‘spoil’ a good friendship,
it does occasionally happen that way. There’s also the possibility
for bad dynamics if there are any sort of competition or jealousy issues
lurking in the friendship.
Naturally, though, if you and your friends are well-versed in discussing
sexuality and sexual diversity and all of you have a similar attitude
and a strong no-recriminations policy if it doesn’t quite go as
planned, then wonderful fun can be had on either a one off or a regular
basis. Placing or responding to a contact advert offers more control and
more choice: anyone placing an ad, at least, is showing some commitment
to the idea, though sometimes respondents are in search of wank-fodder
rather than reality. Naturally,
the usual rules of meeting in public for a chat first and a universal
bottle-out option should apply. The third possibility, particularly for
anyone feeling keen but a little tentative, is to go to some kind of play
party, whether swing or fetish. This offers a choice of erotic companions
in the flesh and the chance to watch how other people do it and, at a
well-run party, you shouldn’t feel under pressure to get involved
with anyone or anything that doesn’t appeal. These days, also, many
more party-planners admit and even encourage single men, so there is no
need to feel discriminated against if that is you. As long as you remember
that everyone is entitled to a good time and simple human consideration,
including yourself, and that venturing outside the socially-sanctioned
lifetime monotony tribe will not get you struck down by lightning bolts,
then you, too, could soon be finding out that, just like they said in
the nineties, Three is a Magic Number.
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